“We’ll put some sello-tape down. That catches them. Don’t worry, it’ll be humane.” That’s what the tallest one said. He’s scared. He should be, because I am a mouse and I will fuck you up.

Don’t believe me? Leave out some crumbs for the night, see how long they last. I’ll have them, and your gerbil for dessert. Try and stop me; I’ll be out of there quicker than your wife at a paternity test, sunshine.

My current residency is pretty cushy, tell ya the truth. There’s tally, he’s alright ‘cos he wears those rubber feet all the time. You can hear him coming from tiles away. The one with long hair is okay, but a risk. He likes to think I’m cute, but he might do something stupid to impress his girlfriend. You learn to watch out for these things after you’ve got a few houses under your belt. Why d’you think I didn’t touch his Emmental?

The female, she’s my saviour. Pretty tasty too – take it from a rodent with a backstage pass. If it weren’t for her I reckon the tall one or the loud one would’ve had the whole house laced with the stuff that made Jerry keel over last week. Good mate, he was. Could spot a loose floor board a mile off.

Not that I’m worried. I’m smarter than all that trail-of-cheese rubbish. And I’ve got plans, dreams! Gonna go legit, one day. Been hearing from a few of the folks… out in the country, would you believe! Well lah-di-dah for the field mice.  But it’s tough when you’re more used to street-sweepers than snowy owls. Whatever they are. It’s just not natural, I tell you.

Perhaps I’ll get tired of this game, someday. It won’t happen soon. There’s moulding fruit to sample, chair legs to chew, and a sponge to shit on for good measure. And if you’re not careful, I will.

Because I am a mouse. And I will fuck. You. Up.

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